the list is growing

[saffronhare]

If you're just now tuning in, the updates from this past weekend appear starting around #23. I spent a lot of time helping out the short-staffed aquatics program, which was a lot of fun -- especially when I got to spend a couple of hours as a "drowning victim." I drowned like a BOSS, let me tell you...they've even asked me if I'll come back and do it again next weekend! (Pro tip: shower AFTER this activity, not before. Chlorine can only do so much to combat the touch of 75+ Webelos.)

Things Nikki is Not Allowed to Do at Scout Camp

1. Make a comment about DAT ASS in my “outside voice” when following Matthew MacDonald up the stairs.


2. Direct people to keep their “eyes up here,” when they were only pointing out that I’d spilled something on my uniform.


3. Sit on husband’s lap, even if there’s a strong case for it “strengthening America.”


4. Wonder out loud whether the amazing orange of the staff shirt will make my boobs glow in the dark.


5. Refer to the Commissioner’s cabin as “officer country.”


6. Make That Sound when judging the dessert contest, even if the dessert is really effing delicious.


7. Dare the other commissioners to moon Scouts while out on the night hike, whether the sky has a full moon or not.


8. Comment about anybody “going Full Penguin.”


9. Suggest that somebody should add a brown bead to their coups for handing out a load of bullshit.


10. Use the words cock, butt, or nipple, when pointing out the parts of a rifle. Even if those words are ACTUALLY CORRECT.


11. Refer to a trip to the maintenance barn as a “conjugal visit.”


12. Misdirect Scouts on a scavenger hunt, despite the potential for character-building.


13. Point out my child at the swimming pool by describing her as “the one with boobs.”


14. Refer to pool staff hosing down the deck to keep it cool underfoot as “cabana boys.”


15. Refer to the CITs as Huey, Dewey, and Louie.


16. Bring any of the little boy underpants left behind at the pool into the dining hall, and ask very loudly who might be “going commando.”


17. Begin dining hall KP instruction by asking everyone to prove they can actually count to eight.


18. Charge for parking. Or for maps.


19. Refer to the CITs as Larry, Moe, and Curly.


20. Refer to my afternoon slushie as a “covert margarita.”


21. Ask anybody if they “just joined Scouts yesterday,” whether I keep the “ferfuxake” silent or not.


22. Announce over the radio that “there’s a man DOWN at the rifle range.”


23. Blow on my whistle three times. EVER.


24. Discuss the relative humidity and my pants in the same sentence.


25. Refer to the CITs as Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.


26. Recommend that anybody "lube up" to fit their car into a particularly tight parking spot.


27. Eat a corn dog like that.


28. Filk lyrics for Ain't Too Proud to Work at Bear Camp.


29. Praise to any food or beverage as "good for pooping."


30. Suggest alternative meanings for PFD.


31. Describe water temperature in terms that include nipples or testicles. Same for shower pressure.


32. Make jokes about poop in the pool. The staff will never laugh. Ever. Because "fecal accidents" are not (supposed to be) funny, MOM.


33. Apply sunscreen to my décolletage in public.


34. Call anybody a "delicate flower," even if it's supposed to be a compliment.


35. Scold Webelos who dump out their water bottles by referring to the wasted liquid as "the tears of Akela.


36. List "romantic interlude" (or any euphemisms thereof) as Reason for Leaving on the staff sign-out sheet.


37. Answer "I would rather chew my arm off" in response to pretty much any question ever.