Onion-y inspiration

[saffronhare]

Partly inspired by everflame and mostly disgusted with my FreeWill Horoscope for the week, I went to check out my Cancerian outlook according to The Onion.

Cancer*
Remember: Only by eliminating feelings of jealousy and competition can you become as happy and healthy a person as that smug bitch Rebecca.

*This is from the March 14 edition. Can't tell if it's been updated yet, but I don't think so.

*********
UPDATE: The March 21 edition, courtesy of the highly developed satirical radar of fionnabhar:

Cancer
It's true that secret agents have crossed international borders with microfilm hidden in their colons, but you should've known better than to try it with three liters of duty-free scotch.

Comments

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

haha! that's great!

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

p.s. it's also my outlook, as my b.d. is june 24.

[saffronhare.livejournal.com]

::high fives for daisydumont::

[fionnabhar.livejournal.com]

There's a March 21 edition up.

http://www.theonion.com/content/

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

I regret that mine is probably accurate:

Leo July 23 - August 22
You've often wondered who's responsible for all this fucked-up shit, but that will change Thursday, when you're hired to assist the Director of All This Fucked-Up Shit.

[matchgirl42.livejournal.com]

Dude. DOOOM.