here for now
Jul. 20th, 2006 09:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
saffronhareInternational Delight coffee creamer has salvaged the morning for me, even if it doesn't really have any cream in it. Usually, I'm a french vanilla kind of girl. Lately, I've beem more about tea. But today? Today, coffee. I was desperate for a little something so the dreck in my mug wouldn't taste like ass and there wasn't any other flavored creamer to mooch from the fridge except this: Vanilla Chai Spice. Hm, I thought to myself. I like vanilla. I like chai. Let's give it a try. And lo, it is good. licking lips
I'm not really in a bad mood. I got enough sleep, even if it wasn't a lot. Maybe the heat is starting to wear away what's left of the padding over my sharp edges.
Somebody asked me yesterday if I was PMS-ing and I nearly decapitated them. No, I'm not. Day 16 is about as non-PMS as you can get, cupcake. And then another person asked if I was still aspecting Bast. No, you asshat. This is me. Just me. Relating to you. Quit making excuses to yourself about why I'm short-tempered with you. Consider for a moment that it just might be a genuinely difficult situation and that neither of us has the moral high ground for claiming to be the better person, or for expecting the other one to be such. Gah.
I'm learning that one very real way to "dial down" my stress responses (physical and emotional) is to quit filtering so much to behave appropriately all the time, or to continue upholding the illusion that I can be all things for all people. No way can I control the volume of stress or the frequency of stressors in my life...but I sure can calibrate myself to keep it from becoming distress in me. Please note how seldom I've been sick this year, and how few migraines I've had relative to years past. I feel so much more like myself than I have for years. Maybe I'm more difficult to get along with, but everything in my gut and mind tells me this is a healthier and more authentic way for me to move through the world.
Scattered today, I guess. Time to go do some writing. I do believe I feel some innuendo filk coming on. Maybe something to do with heavy fighting. Also, this is a booty-shakin' kind of song. (grin)
I'm not really in a bad mood. I got enough sleep, even if it wasn't a lot. Maybe the heat is starting to wear away what's left of the padding over my sharp edges.
Somebody asked me yesterday if I was PMS-ing and I nearly decapitated them. No, I'm not. Day 16 is about as non-PMS as you can get, cupcake. And then another person asked if I was still aspecting Bast. No, you asshat. This is me. Just me. Relating to you. Quit making excuses to yourself about why I'm short-tempered with you. Consider for a moment that it just might be a genuinely difficult situation and that neither of us has the moral high ground for claiming to be the better person, or for expecting the other one to be such. Gah.
I'm learning that one very real way to "dial down" my stress responses (physical and emotional) is to quit filtering so much to behave appropriately all the time, or to continue upholding the illusion that I can be all things for all people. No way can I control the volume of stress or the frequency of stressors in my life...but I sure can calibrate myself to keep it from becoming distress in me. Please note how seldom I've been sick this year, and how few migraines I've had relative to years past. I feel so much more like myself than I have for years. Maybe I'm more difficult to get along with, but everything in my gut and mind tells me this is a healthier and more authentic way for me to move through the world.
Scattered today, I guess. Time to go do some writing. I do believe I feel some innuendo filk coming on. Maybe something to do with heavy fighting. Also, this is a booty-shakin' kind of song. (grin)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
You go , girl.
Date: 2006-07-20 05:02 pm (UTC)Re: You go , girl.
Date: 2006-07-20 05:16 pm (UTC)Re: You go , girl.
Date: 2006-07-20 05:44 pm (UTC)Re: You go , girl.
Date: 2006-07-21 12:43 am (UTC)A fine use for gaming...
Date: 2006-07-20 05:56 pm (UTC)Re: A fine use for gaming...
Date: 2006-07-20 06:39 pm (UTC)Re: A fine use for gaming...
Date: 2006-07-20 07:12 pm (UTC)The point was back there about a mile.
Date: 2006-07-20 08:31 pm (UTC)Besides, do you think I would have put that out there if I thought N was going to spend the whole day kicking me or anyone else in the balls? Hardly. Not that I couldn't use a good swift kick in the ass now and again, but I just wanted her to relax and be herself.
Re: The point was back there about a mile.
Date: 2006-07-20 08:36 pm (UTC)Saturday
walking
shower
eat breakfast
carpool to gaming
kick Yale in the ballsenjoy the day
...
Re: The point was back there about a mile.
Date: 2006-07-20 08:40 pm (UTC)Re: The point was back there about a mile.
Date: 2006-07-20 09:41 pm (UTC)At this exact moment, being myself means 1)being far from free-for-all poo-flinging time and 2)trying not to be an asshole. If tomorrow's planned environment will not let me be in that space, I am keen to know, so I can choose accordingly. That's all. I'm interested in relaxing and authentically, genuinely, self-actualizingly not clawing my way to the top of the heap of bodies or being buried underneath. I'm too damned tired for that.
Not what you wanted to hear, but...
Date: 2006-07-20 10:36 pm (UTC)Today is Thursday. On the plus side, that means you get one extra chance to egt some sleep before facing *dun dun dun!* "certain death".
Re: Not what you wanted to hear, but...
Date: 2006-07-20 10:40 pm (UTC)Re: A fine use for gaming...
Date: 2006-07-20 08:38 pm (UTC)If that's something you think you ought to be warned about, then there you go. :)