saffronhare: (Suicide Mission)
Despite excellent sleep, an agreeably smooth morning with the girls, decent coffee, and a not-too-terrible workload today, I am apparently very cranky. Not the kind of cranky where one FEELS cranky, especially. Just the kind where one witnesses (in that mildly out-of-body way) what one is saying/doing and thinks to oneself, "Wow. That was pretty uncalled-for. Who said/did that? I did? Shit."

So. Er.

Mea culpa, guys. No excuses. Gonna try to be still and quiet until this wave passes. :)
saffronhare: (Default)
International Delight coffee creamer has salvaged the morning for me, even if it doesn't really have any cream in it. Usually, I'm a french vanilla kind of girl. Lately, I've beem more about tea. But today? Today, coffee. I was desperate for a little something so the dreck in my mug wouldn't taste like ass and there wasn't any other flavored creamer to mooch from the fridge except this: Vanilla Chai Spice. Hm, I thought to myself. I like vanilla. I like chai. Let's give it a try. And lo, it is good. licking lips

I'm not really in a bad mood. I got enough sleep, even if it wasn't a lot. Maybe the heat is starting to wear away what's left of the padding over my sharp edges.

Somebody asked me yesterday if I was PMS-ing and I nearly decapitated them. No, I'm not. Day 16 is about as non-PMS as you can get, cupcake. And then another person asked if I was still aspecting Bast. No, you asshat. This is me. Just me. Relating to you. Quit making excuses to yourself about why I'm short-tempered with you. Consider for a moment that it just might be a genuinely difficult situation and that neither of us has the moral high ground for claiming to be the better person, or for expecting the other one to be such. Gah.

I'm learning that one very real way to "dial down" my stress responses (physical and emotional) is to quit filtering so much to behave appropriately all the time, or to continue upholding the illusion that I can be all things for all people. No way can I control the volume of stress or the frequency of stressors in my life...but I sure can calibrate myself to keep it from becoming distress in me. Please note how seldom I've been sick this year, and how few migraines I've had relative to years past. I feel so much more like myself than I have for years. Maybe I'm more difficult to get along with, but everything in my gut and mind tells me this is a healthier and more authentic way for me to move through the world.

Scattered today, I guess. Time to go do some writing. I do believe I feel some innuendo filk coming on. Maybe something to do with heavy fighting. Also, this is a booty-shakin' kind of song. (grin)

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saffronhare

September 2015

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